Mummers

Mummers have been performing in Adderbury since 1997 when another ancient tradition was revived by an off shoot from Adderbury Morris . In 1999 the actors were joined by Mr. Leslie's Banbury Rapper who added some additional excitement with their death defying stunts and stunning good looks. The play is based on a text passed on by Mr. Gregory Wass (born in 1920) which he learned as a boy in Derbyshire but is regularly reviewed and 'improved' with topical local additions.

As well as performing in Adderbury on Boxing Day the mummers do travel as far afield as Daventry, where they participate in the annual ritual of wassailing the apple trees..A related activity has been the creation of a Robin Hood Play for performance at the Banbury Hobby Horse Festival.

Script for Boxing Day 2006

[Enter Father Christmas]

FATHER CHRISTMAS (Derek Droesher)
Room, room brave gallants
And give us room to sport
For in this room we wish to resort,
Resort and repeat our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs it is Christmas time.
Be he welcome of be he not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot!
So stir up the fire and make a light,
For in this room there’ll be a fight.
If you don't believe the words I say say,
Step in King George and clear the way.

[Enter King George to cheers]

KING GEORGE (Linda Leslie)
I am King George who from old England sprung,
My famous name around the world has rung.
Many bloody deeds have I made known,
Made giants shake and quake upon their throne.
I fought the fiery dragon and drew him to his slaughter,
And by that means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

[Enter King of Egypt’s Daughter, (Sue Halls) veiled]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Err... excuse me.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Yes?

FATHER CHRISTMAS
the um... the veil.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Yes?

FATHER CHRISTMAS
It’s a bit of a barrier to communication

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Communication?

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Err... yes..

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Communication? Why don’t you take that Christmas tree and shove it... [She whispers the rest in his ear. he looks extremely pained.]
How’s that for communication?

[Enter the Turkish Knight]

TURKISH KNIGHT
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game!

KING GEORGE
The game? The game!
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a doctor to be found,
To cure this deep and deadly wound?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn’t one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen pounds for a doctor!!!

DOCTOR (Verna Wass)
In comes I, the name’s Brown,
Doctor James Brown
007, licensed to kill
.
KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
We were hoping you’d make him better

DOCTOR
I’m also an expert shot, skilled scuba diver, champion racing driver and... the finest doctor in the town.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What makes you the finest doctor?

DOCTOR
My travels.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you travelled?

DOCTOR
I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Oh, go on.

DOCTOR
Alright, Italy, Sicily, France and Spain,
Twice round the world and back again to a little Sushi bar somewhere in London

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What’s sushi got to do with it?

DOCTOR
I could tell you but then I’d have to ...

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Yes, yes, so what diseases can you cure?

DOCTOR
Allsorts!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What’s allsorts?

DOCTOR
The itch, the pitch, the parsley and the gout,
The pains within and the pains without,
I cured Sir Harry of a hangnail brought on by Polonium 210 poisoning,
Surely I can cure this little man

KING GEORGE
What is your fee to cure this man?

DOCTOR
Ten pounds is my fee but Jack if you be an honest man I’ll only charge fifteen of thee.

[The Doctor carries out his business, including bringing out a pack of cards and fumbling around with them and a geiger counter. The bottle is Martini]

I have in my hand a little bottle,
shaken not stirred,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
See thou art not quite so slain,
Arise bold knight and fight again.

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
The Bell it calls
Down yonder lies my way.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
King George, King George,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise and put King George to flight!

[Enter Black Prince]

BLACK PRINCE
I am the black Prince of Paradise born once of high renown.
Soon shall I fetch King George’s lofty courage down.
Before King George shall be received by me,
King George must die to all eternity!

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful dog
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you over the seas to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE
Ha!
How canst thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up over the seas to make mince pies?
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
How canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?
Since my head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are plates of brass,
I challenge thee to feel.

KING GEORGE
Let’s take a poll on it
Hands up all those who think I’ll chop him into mince meat before he’s three days old.
[They count the hands]

BLACK PRINCE
Hm, it’s not looking good for me but then the rest of the village who haven’t bothered to vote are obviously on my side... so....

[They fight, after coming near to losing King George strikes down the Black Prince.
Enter the King of Egypt]

KING OF EGYPT
I am the King of Egypt as plainly doth appear,
I’ve come to seek my only son,
My only son and heir.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He is slain!

KING OF EGYPT
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
Er... It was a conspiracy between MI5 and the British Royal family!

KING OF EGYPT
Bollocks! Stand not there with sword in hand but rise and fight at my command.

[They are about to clash but Father Christmas intervenes at the last minute]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!

[Helps Black Prince to his feet.
Enter Little Devilly Doubt]

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
In comes I Little Devilly Doubt
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you all out
It’s money I want.
It’s money I crave.
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you to your grave.

[Enter Big Head]
BIG HEAD
In comes I who never came yet
With my big head and little wit.
Though my wit be ever so small,
Me and my club we’ll conquer all!

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Big Head, Big Head,
There’s a war wherever we go!

BIG HEAD
Where? Where? Where?

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Here! Here! Here!
[Chases Big Head away]

[Enter the Ghost of Squire Cobb]

GHOST OF SQUIRE COBB
In comes I old Squire Cobb, his ghost,
Here’s thanks all to our actors and thanks unto our host

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Dip into your pockets and treat our desire,
Dip into your pockets and see us all right,
Dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

[The cast walk in a circle and take up swords to perform a rapid rapper dance: single guard, curlies, knot! ]

Script for Boxing Day 200
[Enter Fairy Nuffski]

FAIRY NUFFSKI
Room, room brave gallants
And give us room to sport
For in this room we wish to resort,
Resort and repeat our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs it is Christmas time.
Be she welcome of be she not,
I hope the Fairy Nuffski will never be forgotski!
By the way, in line with latest Government advice to schools I am here in place of Father Christmas who is now considered, by all politically correct thinking people, to be a potentially frightening figure....
aarrrgh! [Scares the audience], so make sure young children are placed well out of his way! Oh and remember to recycle your wrapping paper
So stir up the fire and make a light,
For in this room there’ll be a fight.
If you don't believe the words I say say,
Step in King George and clear the way.

[Enter King George to cheers]

KING GEORGE
I am King George who from old England sprung,
My famous name around the world has rung.
Many bloody deeds have I made known,
Made giants shake and quake upon their throne.
I’m also pretty good at chopping down big ugly apes and chopping up talking lions.
I fought the fiery dragon and drew him to his slaughter,
And by that means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

[Enter King of Egypt’s Daughter

FAIRY NUFFSKI
And a lovely thing she is too.

[Enter the Turkish Knight]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Hey this isn’t the new Boxing Day drag hunt meet is it? No, no horses.
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game!
And I’m still waiting for admission to the EU

KING GEORGE
The game? The game! And admission to the EU
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a doctor to be found,
To cure this deep and deadly wound?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn’t one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen pounds for a doctor!!!

DOCTOR
In comes your local vet,
The finest doctor that you’ll get
for fifteen pounds.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What makes you the finest err vet?

DOCTOR
My travels.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you travelled?

DOCTOR
Italy, Sicily, France and Spain,
Twice round the world and back again
Oh and quite extensively in the far East

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
So.... what diseases can you cure?

DOCTOR
Bird Flu

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
That’s brilliant

DOCTOR
But only in birds.
I can cure Tim Turner of his star blindness with my SMART new star spotter specs.
Then there’s the itch, the pitch, the parsley and the gout,
The pains within and the pains without.
I cured the Earl of Rochester, of a hangnail almost fifty five yards long. Funny place to have a hang nail but these libertines are all the same.
Surely I can cure this little man.

KING GEORGE
What is your fee to cure this man?

DOCTOR
Ten pounds is my fee but Jack if you be an honest man I’ll only charge fifteen of thee.
[King George hands over the money]

FAIRY NUFFSKI
Can you prove you came by that large sum of money legally?

[King George menaces her with his sword]

DOCTOR
[The Doctor carries out his business]
I have in my hand a little bottle,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
See thou art not quite so slain,
Arise bold knight and fight again.

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
The Bell it calls under new management with 24 hour drinking until 11.30 and still that terrible folk music in the back room.
Down yonder lies my way.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
King George, King George,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise and put King George to flight!

[Enter Black Prince]

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
My name is David Cameron born once of high renown.
Soon shall I fetch Tony Blair’s lofty courage down.
Before Tony Blair shall be received by me,
Tony Blair must die to all eternity!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Errr, it’s um King George, not Tony Blair.

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
You’re sure? What about Gordon Brown?

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
It’s King George, really.

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
I’ll have a go at Prescott.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
No, it’s King George.

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
Boris Johnson?
KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He’s on your side, well kind of.
It’s King George.

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
But I can’t fight someone called King George, I’m a Conservative

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Look, if it helps think of him as David Davies

[With a roar he hurls himself at King George who fends him off.]

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful dog
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you over the seas to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE (DAVID CAMERON)
Ha!
How canst thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up over the seas to make mince pies?
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
How canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?
Since my head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are plates of brass,
I challenge thee to feel.

[They fight, after coming near to losing King George strikes down the Black Prince.
Enter the King of Egypt]

KING OF EGYPT
I am the King of Egypt as plainly doth appear,
I’ve come to seek my only son,
My only son and heir.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He is slain! No actually it’s worse than that, he’s the new Tory leader.

KING OF EGYPT
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
I did him slay?
I did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill!

KING OF EGYPT
Well stand not there with sword in hand but rise and fight at my command.

[They are about to clash but Fairy Nuffski intervenes at the last minute]

FAIRY NUFFSKI
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!

[Helps Black Prince to his feet.
Enter Little Devilly Doubt]

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
In comes I Little Devilly Doubt
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you all out
It’s money I want.
It’s money I crave.
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you to your grave.

[Enter Big Head]
BIG HEAD
In comes I who never came yet
With my big head and little wit.
Though my wit be ever so small,
Me and my club we’ll conquer all!

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Big Head, Big Head,
There’s a war wherever we go!

BIG HEAD
Where? Where? Where?

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Here! Here! Here!
[Chases Big Head away]

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Enjoying this fine tradition
We are sure you will agree
It was an extraordinary rendition
So dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

[They all sing while the bucket goes round.]

Script for Boxing Day 2004

[Enter Father Christmas, COLIN STREET]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Room, room brave gallants
And give us room to sport
For in this room we wish to resort,
Resort and repeat our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs it is Christmas time.
Be he welcome of be he not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot!
So stir up the fire and make a light,
For in this room there’ll be a fight.
If you don't believe the words I say say, step in King George,
And clear the way

[Enter King George LINDA LESLIE as George W. Bush, to cheers]

I must be seeing things... not you again! I can’t bear it.

ALL
You and millions of Americans!

KING GEORGE
I am George W who from old Texas sprung,
My famous name around the world has rung.
Many bloody deeds have I made known,
Made tyrants shake and quake upon their throne.
I fought the evil empire and drew them to their slaughter,
And by that means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

[Enter the The King of Egypt's Daughter JOE LESLIE]

(Aside)
I love a woman with big knickers.

[Enter the Turkish Knight STEPHEN WASS]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Didn’t I see you on Strictly Come Dancing?

KING GEORGE
No that was Julian Clary, but now you come to mention it I can see the resemblance...

TURKISH KNIGHT
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to obtain admission to the EU and win the game!

KING GEORGE
The game? The game!
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a doctor to be found
to cure this deep and deadly wound?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn’t one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen pounds for a doctor!!!

[Enter the Doctor VERNA WASS]

DOCTOR
Make it guineas!
In comes I young Mary P,
The finest nanny you will see.
Who needs doctors anyway, my teachers always taught me to think big.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
We don’t want a nanny, we want a doctor!

DOCTOR
[Staring at ‘her’ chest]
Nonsense young er lady,
Goodness me those are very big er Knickers.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ooh do you think so.
My mother always told me to look after my assets.
Anyway what makes you the greatest nanny?

DOCTOR
My travels.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you travelled?

DOCTOR
Italy, Sicily, France and Ukraine,
Cured a nasty bout of poisoning and now my visa application has been fast tracked by nice Mr. Blunkett so back to blighty again

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What diseases can you cure?

DOCTOR
Why I can cure the itch, the stitch
The palsy and the gout,
Raging pains both inside and out.
I rescued Boris Johnson from a bear trap up the Orinoco,
Surely I can cure this little man.

KING GEORGE
What is your fee to cure this man?

DOCTOR
Ten guineas is is my fee but Jack if you be an honest man I’ll only charge fifteen of thee
I have in my hand a little bottle,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
See thou art not quite so slain,
Arise bold knight and fight again.

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
I’ve had enough of this nanny state
The Bell it calls
Down yonder lies my way.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
King George, King George,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise and put King George to flight!

[Enter Black Prince DAVE TRIVETT]

BLACK PRINCE
I am the palish Prince of Wales born once of high renown.

ALL
Not you again too!

BLACK PRINCE
Soon shall I fetch George W’s lofty courage down.
Before George W shall be received by me,
George W must die to all eternity!
And thing is, he’s just a little jumped up Texan, ideas way above his station,
one would think he rules the world...
but that’s mummy’s job.

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful dog
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you over the seas to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE
Ha!
How canst thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up over the seas to make mince pies?
You haven’t got the qualifications
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
How canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?
Since my head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are weapons of mass destruction,
I challenge thee to feel.

[They fight, after coming near to losing King George strikes down the Black Prince.
Enter the King of Egypt SHEENA POWELL]

KING OF EGYPT
I am the King of Egypt as plainly doth appear,
I’ve come to seek my only son,
My only son and heir.
I expect he’s gone off gallivanting about with that Prince Harry

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
It’s not that bad... He is slain!

KING OF EGYPT
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
I did him slay?
I did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill!

KING OF EGYPT
Well stand not there with sword in hand but rise and fight at my command.

[They are about to clash but Father Christmas intervenes at the last minute]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!

[Helps Black Prince to his feet.
Enter Little Devilly Doubt CAROL LESLIE]

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
In comes I little Devilly Doubt
If you don’t give me money
I’ll sweep you all out
It’s money I want.
It’s money I crave.
If you don’t give me money I’ll set up a casino right here in Adderbury!.

[Enter the Ghost of Squire Cobb TIM TURNER]

GHOST OF SQUIRE COBB
In comes I old Squire Cobb, his ghost,
Here’s thanks all to our actors and thanks unto our host
Now on the subject of .........
[Prattles on about village gossip
until the other actors close around him and silence him.]

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Dip into your pockets and treat our desire,
Dip into your pockets and see us all right,
Dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

Script for Boxing Day 2003

[Enter Father Christmas]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Room, room brave gallants
And give us room to sport
For in this room we wish to resort,
Resort and repeat our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs it is Christmas time.
Be he welcome of be he not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot!
So stir up the fire and make a light,
For in this room there’ll be a fight.
If you don't believe the words I say say, step in King George,
And clear the way

[Enter King George to cheers]

KING GEORGE
I am King George who from old England sprung,
My famous name around the world has rung.
Many bloody deeds have I made known,
Made giants shake and quake upon their throne.
I trained young Jonny Wilkinson and taught him how to kick
As so made all Australians look feeble weak and sick!
Oh, and can we have our ball back please?
I fought the fiery dragon and drew him
to his slaughter,
And by that means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

[Enter the Turkish Knight]

TURKISH KNIGHT
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game!

KING GEORGE
The game? The game!
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a doctor to be found
to cure this deep and deadly wound?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn’t one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen billion pounds for a doctor!!!

DOCTOR
In comes I young Gordon Brown,
The finest chancellor in the town.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
We don’t want a chancellor, we want a doctor!

DOCTOR
[Staring at ‘her’ chest]
Your borrowing looks rather inflated compared to your GNP.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
[Slapping him]
Dont get so personal.
[Quietly]
Maybe we could er.. get together after the show?
Anyway what good are you to a dying man?

DOCTOR
Why I am the greatest chancellor according to my wife,
My fiscal prudence and financial acumen will bring this man to life

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And what makes you the greatest chancellor?

DOCTOR
My travels.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you travelled?

DOCTOR
Italy, Sicily, France and Spain,
Twice round the Bank of England, out to Islington and back again

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What diseases can you cure?

DOCTOR
Well none as such but watch this.
[He twists the fallen knight’s ear]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Ow, that brought a tear to my eye

[He tweaks his nose.]

Ouch you’ve done it again!
What was that for?

DOCTOR
That was a two tear health care system!

KING GEORGE
What is your fee to cure this man?

DOCTOR
Ten billion pounds is is my fee but Jack if you be an honest man I’ll only charge fifteen of thee

KING GEORGE
Not forgetting the top up fee!
[He thrusts the point of his sword under the Doctor’s chin

DOCTOR
Er.. right, your not related to Tony Blair by any chance?
Right... I’ll get on with it then,
Stand back there could be some blood!

TURKISH KNIGHT
I hate the sight of blood.

DOCTOR
Quiet man, have you not heard?
Red is the new black!
[The Doctor carries out his business]
As bad a case of under investment and rampant inflation as I’ve ever seen
I have in my hand a little bottle,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
See thou art not quite so slain,
Arise bold knight and fight again.
[Nothing happens]
Um... right.

TURKISH KNIGHT
I’m not going through rebirth
Without my baby bond!

DOCTOR
Alright, alright, here you are £250
[Waves a plain brown envelope under his nose]
Now get up!

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
The Bell it calls
Down yonder lies my way.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
King George, King George,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise and put King George to flight!

[Enter Black Prince]

BLACK PRINCE
I am the dark lord Sauron, evil master of the Ring Wraiths
At my wrath the world shall tremble....
[He stops a moment, then, uncertainly]
There er... isn’t a hobbit here is there?

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
I’m sorry?

BLACK PRINCE
You know, a hobbit, nasty little squeaky thing with hairy toes..

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Err... no, you’re um thinking of Robin Cook.

TURKISH KNIGHT
Excuse me but didn’t we do that joke a couple of years ago?
[The Black Prince extends a hand in his direction and then clenches his fist, Turkish Knight collapses in agony!]

BLACK PRINCE
Well that’s alright then, so....
I am the black Prince of Paradise born once of high renown.
Soon shall I fetch King George’s lofty courage down.
Before King George shall be received by me,
King George must die to all eternity!

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful dog
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you over the seas to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE
Ha!
How canst thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up over the seas to make mince pies?
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
How canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?
It cost Peter Jackson at least thirty eight million
Anyway my head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are weapons of mass destruction,
I challenge thee to feel.

[They fight, after coming near to losing King George strikes down the Black Prince.
Enter the King of Egypt]

KING OF EGYPT
I am the King of Egypt as plainly doth appear,
I’ve come to seek my only son,
My only son and heir.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He is slain!

KING OF EGYPT
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
I did him slay?
I did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill!

KING OF EGYPT
Well stand not there with sword in hand but rise and fight at my command.

[They are about to clash but Father Christmas intervenes at the last minute]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!

[Helps Black Prince to his feet.
Enter Little Devilly Doubt]

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
In comes I little Devilly Doubt
If you don’t give me money
I’ll sweep you all out
It’s money I want.
It’s money I crave.
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you to your grave.

[Enter Big Head]
BIG HEAD
In comes I who never came yet
With my big head and little wit.
Though my wit be ever so small
Me and my club will conquer all

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Big Head, Big Head,
There’s a war wherever we go!

BIG HEAD
Where? Where? Where?

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT
Here! Here! Here!

[Chases him away]

[Enter the Ghost of Squire Cobb]

GHOST OF SQUIRE COBB
In comes I old Squire Cobb, his ghost,
Here’s thanks all to our actors and thanks unto our host
Now on the subject of .........
[Prattles on about village gossip
until the other actors close around him and silence him.]

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Dip into your pockets and treat our desire,
Dip into your pockets and see us all right,
Dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

Script for Boxing Day 2002

[Thanks to Tim Marris for the photographs this year.]

The actors enter in line singing:

Here we come a wassailing all in the leaves so green,

here we come a wondering so merry to be seen

CHORUS: Love and joy come to you and to you our wassail too.

And God bless you and send you a happy new year and God send you a happy new year.

We are not daily beggers that go from door to door

We are your fdriends and neighbours that you have seen before

CHORUS

God bless the master of this house, God bless the mistress too,

And all the little children that round the table go.

CHORUS

[Enter Father Christmas - John Leslie]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Room, room brave gallants
And give us room to sport
For in this room we wish to resort,
Resort and repeat our merry rhyme,
For remember good sirs it is Christmas time.
Be he welcome of be he not,
I hope old Father Christmas will never be forgot!
So stir up the fire and make a light,
For in this room there’ll be a fight.
If you don't believe the words I say say,
Step in George W and clear the way.

[Enter King George - Linda Leslie]

KING GEORGE
I am George W who from old Texas sprung,
My famous name around the world has rung.
Many bloody deeds have I made known,
Made tyrants shake and quake upon their throne.
I fought the evil empire and drew them to their slaughter,
And by that means I won the King of Egypt’s daughter.

[Enter King of Egypt’s Daughter - Dave Luvock]

...and a lovely thing she is to.

Enter the Turkish Knight - Colin Street]

TURKISH KNIGHT
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game!

KING GEORGE
The game? The game!
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a doctor to be found,
To cure this deep and deadly wound?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn’t one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen pounds for a doctor!!!

[Enter the Doctor - Verna Wass]

DOCTOR
In comes I Professor Gurda Von Hugeone,
The finest anatomist in the town.

TURKISH KNIGHT
I don’t want an anatomist I want a...

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
[Pushing down Turkish Knight]
What makes you the finest anatomist?

DOCTOR
My exhibitions.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you exhibited?

DOCTOR
Italy, Sicily, France and Spain,
Twice round the world and back again then back to London and onto Channel 4.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What organs can you plasticise?

TURKISH KNIGHT
I don’t want to be plasticised, I want to be cured!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Shut up, there’s money in this!

DOCTOR
Allsorts!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What’s allsorts?

DOCTOR
The lungs, the liver, the stomach and thwe spleen
I’ll even stain your kidneys a lovely shade of green,
I robbed Siberian graveyards to make my little show,
Surely you don’t mind letting this little man go?

KING GEORGE
And what will you give us to err display this man?

DOCTOR
Ten pounds is my usual rate
but look at the state he’s in
I’ll only give you eight.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER/
KING GEORGE
Done!

[The Doctor carries out his business]

I have in my hand a little bottle,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
Wait, it’s not working......
This man has been pickled already!
He’s full of alcohol!!

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
The Bell it calls
Down yonder lies my way.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
George W, George W,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in the palish Prince of Wales,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in the palish Prince of Wales and Give George W a fight!

[Enter Black Prince - Stephen Wass]

BLACK PRINCE
I am the palish Prince of Wales born once of high renown.
Soon shall I fetch George W’s lofty courage down.
Before George W shall be received by me,
George W must die to all eternity!
And thing is, I’ll have to do it myself
Cos I’ve sacked all my butlers.

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful prince
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you over the seas to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE
Ha!
How canst thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up over the seas to make mince pies?
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
How canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?
Mummy won’t allow it.

KING GEORGE
Err.. let me see
Hang on, I’ll have to text the pentagon
[Pulls out mobile phone and types out slowly saying the words as he does...]
hw cnst I chp hm up as smll as fls n snd hm ovr th seas to mk mnce ps

BLACK PRINCE
[Who is by now looking over his shoulder. Quietly]
.. and don’t forget

KING GERGE
What?

BLACK PRINCE
[Roars]
My head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are plates of brass,
I challenge thee to feel.

[George drops phone, pulls out gun and shoots him.
Enter the Queen of England]

QUEEN OF ENGLAND
One is the Queen of England but you can call me ma'am,
I’ve come to seek my eldest son,
And keep him from all harm.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He is slain!

QUEEN OF ENGLAND
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
I did him slay.
I did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill!

QUEEN OF ENGLAND
Well in that case it is just as one has said to poor Mr. Burrell, there are powers at work of which you have no inkling.

KING GEORGE
I er,,, beg your pardon ma’am.

QUEEN OF ENGLAND
Channel 4 now run this country and by the powers invested in one by Davina McCall, you are about to be voted off by telephone poll

KING GEORGE
No. no not another election, I’m begging you...

[Falls to his knees but Father Christmas intervenes at the last minute]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!
Leave off your fight, forget your squabble, it’s really such a bore.
Let’s not go on and drag it out like you had to do with Gore!

[Helps Black Prince to his feet.]

GHOST OF SQUIRE COBB - Tim Turner
In comes I old Squire Cobb, his ghost.

[Prattles on about village gossip] :

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Dip into your pockets and treat our desire,
Dip into your pockets and see us all right,
Dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

[They all step back as the rapper are called on.]

[Enter the Turkish Knight - Colin Street]

TURKISH KNIGHT
I am a valiant Turkish Knight and Slasher is my name,
With sword and buckler by my side I hope to win the game!

KING GEORGE
The game? The game!
It lies not in thy power,
I’ll chop you into mince meat in less than half an hour.

TURKISH KNIGHT
You sir?

KING GEORGE
I sir!

TURKISH KNIGHT
Take out thy sword and try sir!

[They fight, the Turkish Knight is killed.]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Alas, alas, what have you done ?
You’ve slain his father’s only son!
Is there a spin-doctor to be found,
To ......

TURKISH KNIGHT
Excuse me, a what?

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
A spin doctor, it’s the latest thing.

TURKISH NIGHT
Will it make me better?

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Not as such, but you’ll feel better.

TURKISH KNIGHT
But I’m dying!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Look on it as a temporary cessation of life that’s in the national interest.
Is there a spin doctor to present
this deep and deadly wound in the best possible light?
Five pounds for a doctor!

ALL
There isn’t one!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Ten pounds for a doctor!!

ALL
There isn't one!!

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Fifteen pounds for a doctor!!!

DOCTOR - Verna Wass
In comes I young Doctor Moore, Jo's the name,
The finest spin doctor to take the floor.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What makes you the finest spin doctor?

DOCTOR
My travels.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
And where have you travelled?

DOCTOR
Harringey, Islington, France and Spain,
Twice round the world and back again
.Took a gap year after university, you know the sort of thing
White water rafting, hanging out in Africa
Beating up the Trots
They don't call me the hammer of the hard left for nothing
.Oh, and I once worked for Blair.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Tony?

DOCTOR
Lionel

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
Hmmm, what diseases can you cure?

DOCTOR
Cure?

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
What diseases can you dismiss as symptomatic of todays high pressure stressful life styles?

TURKISH KNIGHT
[Desperate]
I’m bleeding!

ALL
Bleeding awful,
,
DOCTOR.
That's what I call bleeding
I haven't seem haemorrhaging like that since last time
we bailed out Railtrack
I can cure.The itch, the pitch, the parsley and the gout,
The pains within and the pains without,
I cured Ken Livingstone of a hangnail almost fifty five yards long,
Nothing like a good manicure from me to bury his crackpot scheme.
Surely I can talk this little man round.

KING GEORGE
What is your fee to cure this man?

DOCTOR
I’m sorry that information’s commercially sensitive..

[The Doctor carries out his business]

You look like an idle scrounger to me
What you need is a good dose of incentivisation
I have in my hand a little bottle,
Let a drop run down they throttle,
See thou art not quite so slain,
Arise bold knight and fight again.

[Turkish Knight rises to his feet to great cheers]

TURKISH KNIGHT
Oh, my back!

KING GEORGE
What’s up with thy back?

TURKISH KNIGHT
My back is broken,
My purpose confounded
My body is beaten and sore,
The like was never seen in old England before.
Farewell King George, I can no longer stay,
The Bell it calls
Down yonder lies my way.
The landlord is a mate of mine
So what more can I say?
Forget the Coach and Horses with all It’s airs and graces,
I’ll settle for a pint of beer at Tim and Desma’s place.

[Exit Turkish Knight]

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
King George, King George,
Yea do not be so hot,
For now thou knowest not whom thou hast got.
Oh he will tame thee of thy pride and lay thine anger to aside.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise,
Arrayed in all thy might.
Step in Black Prince of Paradise and put King George to flight!

[Enter Black Prince]

BLACK PRINCE - Carol Leslie
I am the black Prince of Paradise born once of high renown.
Soon shall I fetch King George’s lofty bank balance down.
Come on King George, give a girl some respect,
You've got to answer some questions and get them all correct!

KING GEORGE
Stand back thou foul and fearful dog
Or by my sword thou’lt die.
I’ll chop you up as small as flies and send you up to Taste Buds to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold.
I’ll chop you into mince meat before thou art three days old!

BLACK PRINCE
I am the Black Princess of the BBC, invincible am I
King George it's plain for all to see, you are the weakest link, goodbye!
First question: How cans't thou chop me up as small as flies and send me up to Taste Buds to make mince pies.
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold?.

KING GEORGE
I err... um I
,
BLACK PRINCEl.
Wrong! Second question: how canst thou chop me into mince meat before I’m three days old?

KING GEORGE
I err... um I
,
BLACK PRINCE
Wrong! Third question: what am I made of?
,
KING GEORGE
I err... um I
,
BLACK PRINCE
Wrong again!
My head is made of iron,
My body made of steel,
My hands and feet are plates of brass,
I challenge thee to feel.

[They fight, after coming near to losing King George strikes down the Black Prince.
Enter the King of Egypt]

KING OF EGYPT - Sheena Powell
I am the King of Egypt as plainly doth appear,
I’m sorry I’m a little late but I got waylaid by this TV company,
Some chap called Edward trying to make royal documentaries...
fat chance, no
I’ve come to seek my only son,
My only son and heir.

KING OF EGYPT’S DAUGHTER
He is slain!

KING OF EGYPT
Who did him slay?
Who did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill?

KING GEORGE
I did him slay?
I did him kill and on the ground his precious blood did spill!

KING OF EGYPT
Well stand not there with sword in hand but rise and fight at my command.

[They are about to clash but Father Christmas intervenes at the last minute]

FATHER CHRISTMAS
No, no my friends put up your swords,
For tis the time of year to set aside our fears and frights,
And all be of good cheer!
[Helps Black Prince to his feet.
Enter Little Devilly Doubt]

LITTLE DEVILLY DOUBT - June Street
In comes I little Devilly Doubt
If you don’t give me money
I’ll sweep you all out
It’s money I want.
It’s money I crave.
If you don’t give me money I’ll sweep you to your grave.

[Enter the Ghost of Squire Cobb]

GHOST OF SQUIRE COBB - Tim Turner
In comes I old Squire Cobb, his ghost,
Here’s thanks all to our actors and thanks unto our host
Now what about all this.......

[Prattles on about village gossip until the other actors close around him and silence him.]

ALL
We are the merry actors,
That patrol the street.
We are the merry actors,
Fighting for our meat.
To see us dressed so fine and rich like Beaux of London City,
To leave us empty handed would be a dreadful pity.
So gentles all sat round the fire,
Dip into your pockets and treat our desire,
Dip into your pockets and see us all right,
Dip into your pockets,
Good luck and good night!

[They all sing “Sweet Bells” while the bucket goes round.


		Click here to see their part in Wassailing at Daventry